Empathy and Beloved Community

Victor Ashear, PhD

The "Beloved Community" (BC) is the metaphor that M. L. King used for an idealized society where the lives of all people would be enhanced; where love and justice would allow people to be judged by “the content of their character and not the color of their skin.” If schools, social agencies, faith communities, and other institutions, and individual citizens worked to promote empathy, aggression and violence would surely decline. Currently in the United States the rate of violent crimes such as rape, assault, robbery and homicide is higher per capita than in any other stable democracy in the world. As Unitarian Universalists our responsibility based upon our principles is to help promote BC wherever we can and help reverse trends like these.

As most of you know, this year we are focusing upon this vision of BC. We have spoken a bit about how King’s vision relates to our 7 UU principles. Ronn talked about BC as a place where conflicting ideas are allowed to coexist. We have had discussion by me and Bill about the role of forgiveness in BC. Patty spoke about BC in the work place. Bruce spoke of instances of BC amidst the devastation left by the hurricane in south Texas Last time Leila spoke about compassion and loving-kindness as the path of the “tender-hearted warrior,” and the way to create a community of caring. I will try to build on that theme this morning.

The establishment of BC insures all are treated with respect and members work together. One core ingredient of BC that we have not given attention to up until now is the practice of empathy. Empathy may be the glue that binds members in a BC together. If I were going to write a “This I Believe” piece for NPR it would be about empathy. I would like to explore empathy today as a spiritual practice and a mode of communication that fosters BC and in turn a more peaceful and compassionate world.

First, let us ask what exactly is empathy? I think most of you know that empathy is similar to, but not the same as sympathy. Sympathy means to be in agreement with, or on the side of another, especially in a time of suffering. Sympathy involves understanding and support. Empathy is broader than that; it involves entering the entire inner world of another. According to Webster’s empathy is, “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another … without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.” When one achieves such a deep level of understanding and connection of another person by means of empathy what naturally follows is a feeling of compassion. “Compassion is the open hearted, active response of respect, service and care for another.” The ability to experience compassion was identified by the philosopher Heidegger as a fundamental aspect of the human condition. Compassion was the basis of Gandhi’s nonviolent liberation movement and Dr. King’s as well. Empathy and compassion are aspects of agape love. As Sharon Saltzberg said,” The simple act of being completely present to another person is truly an act of love.” In a BC where empathy and compassion exist strife becomes unlikely.

The world’s great religions all encourage this practice. From the Judeo-Christian tradition come the following commandments: “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and “Love thy enemy.” Judeo-Christian teaching is that divine love is based upon empathy and compassion. When the Bible states, “And you shall become as Gods,” I believe this is what was intended. The Dalai Lama stated in a similar vein, “My religion is compassion.” Compassion is a core Buddhist teaching as Leila discussed in our last meeting.

There does seem to me to be something sacred and spiritual in the practice of empathy. If you have experienced this state in its deepest form you might agree that it falls outside the realm of normal experience. It is as if one were “bearing witness” in a kind of “divine revelation.” As a psychotherapist I have had some moments like this when I was entrusted with the most sensitive parts of the self of some of my clients. In moments like these I felt my role was simply to listen. Most of these clients later thanked me and told me that the experience of being heard and understood alone was healing and empowering.

Psychotherapy in general is founded upon empathy, and research has demonstrated that empathy is indeed a powerful tool in the healing of emotional pain. Research also shows that without empathy on the part of the therapist, meaningful change or improvement by the client is unlikely no matter what technique the therapist may employ. Just knowing that another person understands our predicament, our thoughts, and feelings, helps relieve suffering. Empathy also helps to sustain a person striking out in a new direction.

Alfred Adler was one of the earliest psychotherapists to discuss empathy. He said that the therapist’s first task with a client is to, “see with his eye’s and hear with his ears.” Harry S. Sullivan one of the first psychiatrists to work psychotherapeutically with the seriously mentally ill, spoke about the therapist not taking on the role of a blank screen as Freud had recommended, but instead being what he called a “participant observer.” This was to be done by expressing empathy. Carl Rogers who developed Client Centered Therapy was perhaps the foremost proponent in the use of empathy in psychotherapy and also the most influential psychotherapist of the twentieth century. In his last decade Rogers took the practice of empathy as derived from his work with individual clients and he applied to deal with social conflicts. In Belfast, Northern Ireland, he brought together Protestant and Catholic leaders; in South Africa, blacks and whites. Rogers influenced many students including Marshall Rosenberg who is well known for his “Non-violent Communication” program based in large part upon the use of empathy as he learned it from Rogers.

Empathy I think also forms the basis of Marin Buber’s philosophy of “I—Thou.” The “I—Thou” relationship as you may recall, is characterized by a breakdown of the division between self and other, so that the two are fused in a bond of deep connection. According to Buber this state of being is considered to be a form a mystical union based upon complete absorption in the perception on the other. In contrast, the “I—It” relationship is based upon seeing the other in terms of one’s own needs and therefore not truly as the other is. There is no empathy here.

We can infer from Buber’s philosophy that in order to have empathy we must be willing to suspend of our own perspective, bias, needs etc. This permits us to accurately and wholeheartedly take on the perspective of the other. One must be non-judgmental, and open-minded about the other person to experience empathy.

Another requirement in promoting empathy is curiosity about the other person’s experience and a desire to get to know him or her better. To facilitate empathy it is useful to use open-ended questions such as, “What is like to believe…?” Rogers taught that we need to “mirror” back or “reflect” what we think we have understood so the other can adjust and correct our understanding. This mirroring allows a deepening of the empathic process. Examples of phrases that may promote mirroring might be, “I hearing you saying…” or “I sense that you are feeling….” These phrases based upon mirroring then invite the speaker to correct or amplify the impression. Mirroring is generally done in a tentative and gentle manner.

What are some of the benefits to our faith community of being empathic? Certainly it helps build relationships. The more we understand one another the easier it is to relate in a meaningful and authentic way. The more we understand one another the less conflict there is and the easier the conflict can be resolved peacefully. So the practice of empathy helps enhance BC. It can foster sharing our spiritual and religious beliefs or lack thereof. Deep personal sharing facilitated by empathy encourages learning and spiritual growth. It promotes, “a free and responsible search for truth and meaning,” our fourth UU principle.

President Obama attended the Ebenezer Baptist Church last year on M.L. King’s birthday. He spoke of King’s vision as he called for “unity,” which he often did during the campaign. Obama’s use of the term “unity” is related to BC since he referred to it in that church on King’s birthday. Obama gave several examples of divisiveness in our nation that he felt must not be allowed to continue. He spoke of different standard of justice for “Scooter” Libby than for the Jenna 5, and a different standard of care for the white middle class than the poor African American victims of Katrina, as well as the mere existence of homelessness among our veterans. These examples demonstrate a lack of empathy and compassion for our less well off citizens. Obama then told the story of a 23 year old white woman, Ashley, who worked in one of his campaign headquarters in South Carolina. Ashley shared with the group she was helping organize why she was there working for Obama. She explained it had to do with her mother developing cancer, losing her job and health insurance, and ultimately falling into poverty. Ashley stated she was supporting Obama to help others like her mother. Then other people assembled, mostly African--American, spoke about their reasons for helping in the campaign. One older black man had remained silent for most of the discussion. Finally near the end he announced he was there because of Ashley! Here we see BC growing out of empathy that crosses racial barriers.

I heard recently on NPR another story of empathy from the Israeli—Palestinian conflict. An Israeli computer technology worker who called himself “Hope Man” began emailing a Palestinian called “Peace Man.” Their real names were not used to protect the Palestinian from possible recrimination for consorting with the enemy. Hope Man said his perception of the conflict between the two sides had been shaped by his relationship with Peace Man. He stated, "As soon as I started meeting people — either in person or over the phone or over email — it created a real connection and understanding that on the other side of the border there are people who are exactly like us.” He added, Peace Man told him he feels the same way. For Peace Man, it was the first time ever to meet an Israeli. Previously for him, “they were always the enemy, always the oppressor and it took a while to create trust even between the two of us," Hope Man said. "And I think that over time, we've really become friends, and there is full and complete trust. I trust him with my life and, I think, vice versa."

It is a well known and often observed phenomenon that an infant will seek to comfort another infant or even a grown up who is crying or appears in distress. Also, even a toddler as young as 18 months is able to distinguish that another child or an adult may a have a different preference than he or she, and be able to act on that knowledge. For example, the toddler will offer a food choice to another that the toddler does not care for, but knows the other does.

Humans are not the only species capable of empathy. Scientists provide examples of empathy among Bonobos. Bonobos are primates that are considered to be among the closest relatives to humans. Here is a story about Bonobo empathy and compassion. The incident involved a 7 year old female Bonobo named Kuni at a zoo in England. One day, Kuni captured a stunned starling. Kuni took the bird and gently set it on its feet, right side up. When it didn't move, Kuni tossed it in the air. However, the starling returned to sitting on the earth, probably because it was still too stunned or terrified to fly. Kuni then picked it up, climbed to the highest point on the highest tree, wrapped her legs around the trunk so that she had both hands free and carefully unfolded the bird's wings and spread them wide open on her palm and then threw the bird into the air as hard as she could. Unfortunately, it was still too stunned to make it over the barrier, so it sat on the edge of the moat where Kuni guarded it for a long time from the juveniles until it finally flew away.

Some of you may have read and remember Robert Heinlein’s book Stranger in a Strange Land. The main character, Valentine Michael Smith, was raised as a Martian and thereby acquired a gift. He was able to “grok,” which meant according to Heinlein, ” to understand so thoroughly that the observer becomes a part of the observed—to merge, blend … and lose identity in (the) experience. It means almost everything that we mean by religion, philosophy, and science….” To grok it seems to me is very much like to have empathy. Heinlein’s thesis was that Smith was a more highly evolved creature than the rest of us, a contemporary Jesus if you will, because of his “groking,” ability. I believe Heinlein was trying to make the point with his fictional story that our future as human beings depends upon our becoming more like Valentine Michael Smith.

Raine Eisler, in her book Sacred Pleasure, argues that there is a biological tendency towards cooperation and peace that is just as powerful as the predisposition towards competition and conflict, as observed among primates and in various human societies. The tendency towards cooperation and empathy has what we might call “survival value” in an evolutionary sense because we humans survive better in cooperative groups than otherwise. I believe the human race carries the genes to allow us to move further in the direction of peace and BC. Just imagine how much more we could accomplish to improve the world if aggression and warfare didn’t exist or even significantly diminished. When we learn to live in peace and acceptance, our resources can be focused on the world’s other great needs such as poverty, global warming, wilderness and species preservation, etc. I believe along with King, Heinlein, Rogers and Buber that the further evolution of humanity depends upon the triumph of empathy and cooperation and BC. M. L. King was a prophet for our time and his vision is still quite relevant. If an infant is naturally moved to comfort and soothe another who is suffering, if some Palestinians and Israelis strive to achieve empathy and compassion with each other in the face of war, and if many black and white people have already moved closer to brotherhood and sisterhood, then there is hope for the future of humanity. I believe fostering BC needs to be the goal of all our major endeavors in this life. Let us take a lesson from the wisdom of the great religions and from modern psychotherapy and let us practice more empathy. It surely will go a long way towards building BC here and in the wider world. It is a fine spiritual practice.